I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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