this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
