One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
