Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
