I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
