apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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