ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize