Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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