Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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