My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
