So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
