masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
