remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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