I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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