just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
