dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
