I murdered the dance floor call the cops
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
