I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
