The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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