Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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