is your mom at the bar?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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