I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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