im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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