Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
