he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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