I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
