Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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