someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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