a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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