so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
