Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
