they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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