Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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