im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize