My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize