if only i could text you this smell
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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