words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
