like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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