note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
