that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
