he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
