now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
