You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize