I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
is wine microwaveable?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
