I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
