My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
