my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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