I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
