i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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