Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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