I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
