Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
