i would punch a child for taco bell
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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