I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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