There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
