if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
