mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the day after is always just damage control
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
